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The moment dad came back, he started screaming. I was trying very hard to study chem and was succeeding until I was interrupted. He went to scream at brother first than sister. The root of the problem? Something as innocuous as playing of the bloody piano. So, whilst he was screaming at sis, bro was banging furiously on the piano, and I was caught in the middle(literally) trying to block out the noise. Then suddenly I was summoned out for the 'talk'. Oh man, there went my valuable study time. I had been an extremely good girl who had played my piano and done my all my work yet there I was caught in the fray. At least I was spared of all fury. I just sat there while he talked and the usual tears and the unnatural slow breathing one encounters when trying to control his anger. Kept going over and over in my head how I wanted to study. Finally when there was a toilet break I rushed to get my chem book. It worked and I was allowed to go back and study. Thankfully, coz the talk went on for almost 1 hr I think. When we finally went down for lunch, at 2:45, the car door accidentally locked before he came in. So, in a fit of anger or whatsoever, he walked off. And you know what they say about a hungry man being an angry man. So when we got home from lunch, I had this scariest thought that he might have committed suicide and would be lying bleeding on the bed. I even imagined my sister/mother screaming. Waited a while until no screams followed and went in only to find him sitting at still as a statue on the sofa, most likely ever since he got back. Scary. Actually, I don't blame him AT ALL. I can totally understand his frustration. He has to slog his guts out to buy us stuff, try to educate us and get our lives together and yet all he gets in return is resentment and utter lack of gratitude and respect. Sometimes, I too feel like slapping/screaming at my brother and sister. They do have huge attitude problems. I'm not perfect either but at least I do the most necessary things. I realised how hard it is to be a good parent. You've got to find the perfect balance. On one hand you've got to be strict and discipline the child, and on the other hand you've got to get him/ her to like you and be willing to confide in you and have fun together. I look around and see that many parents' have been able to achieve that. Just not mine. I'm super scared that I 'll become like him, I see myself in him everytime I flare up at my sister. I still remember when I was young, I used the exact same words as him to scold people. I'm happy just as long as none of my movements are restricted and I get to watch all the TV I want. But most of the time, the blow-ups don't concern me. Maybe the occasional grievance against my messy room. I shall go pack it now coz it really pisses me off when my sister throws her dirty clothes everywhere. And the only part of my room which is messed up by me is my table and wardrobe! melissa at 5:43 PM |
